I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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