I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
