dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
