God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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