Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
