High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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