and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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