90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
