I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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