you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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