remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
