I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
