Can i not drive my cunt home
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
