He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
