how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
