ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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