The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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