dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
