So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
