She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
