life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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