Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
