You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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