I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
