We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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