There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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