you turned your livingroom into a bong?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the day after is always just damage control
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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