He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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