don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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