please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
