well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
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