as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
