my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
