she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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