Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
