I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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