you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
