If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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