im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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