For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
