I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
