I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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