just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
