I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
