guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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