Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is classic penis vs brain.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
