capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
