I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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