I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
