Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
