So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
